A Quest for Vision
by Karen L. Scheel

There are many paths we can walk in life 
but the path that matters most is that of spirit.

Questing for a vision is one of mankind's oldest traditions. For thousands of years prophets have gone out into the middle of a desert and Native Americans have gone off into the wilderness to fast and pray. Each questing experience varies from one individual to the next and there are many reasons why an individual chooses to undertake a vision quest. Many ancient cultures used this as a formal rite of passage to assist people in transitioning from one stage of development to the next. In our culture no rites of passage carry the power of these ancient ceremonies and many of us find ourselves drifting along, without true purpose in life.
A vision quest is used as a doorway to enter into higher spiritual realms. Through physical separation an individual detaches from their daily routine and retreats into nature with clear intent to listen. Through solitude, fasting and praying for personal direction and life purpose we gain clarity for what is ending and what is seeking to be born. One comes to a deeper level of knowing thyself and learns to listen with the heart and hear the messages that the Great Spirit (God) has for them so that one may better serve themselves, their people and the community.

My intentions for questing were to push beyond my comfort level; to sacrifice for a deeper communion with the spiritual realms, to refine my listening abilities and to gain more guidance for fulfilling my destiny - whatever that may be. After almost two decades of thinking this was something I might want to do the commitment was finally made in May of 1997. The quest was scheduled to take place in September at 'Sweet Medicine Valley', which is located 11,000 feet up in the High Sierra Mountains and is not within the designated camping areas.

Once the commitment is made the "first phase" (the preparation process) for both the physical and non-physical realms begins. However, this first phase may also begin on an unconscious level and long before an actual conscious commitment. Within a very short time, the question as to why I was choosing to climb a mountain, camp out in the middle of nowhere and bypass an invitation to go out to a reservation where I would only have to climb a hill was the first of many to dance through my thoughts. The details of my one previous camping experience had been taken care of for me; I didn't have to carry anything or even learn how to put up a tent. Not to mention, I wasn't even sure what I thought about camping to begin with. Many doubts began to filter through: the financial expense, hard physical work, my being able to do the climb, and camping alone in the cold wilderness. Not to mention, the very great possibility that I just might come face to face with a bear or mountain lion, etc. Yep, my fear was coming up and I was wondering where my head was or wasn't when this commitment had been made. "Turn it over and let spirit handle the details" was the voice of reason in the sea of my turbulent thoughts, which also included the knowledge that my cancellation was a very strong possibility. I had mistakenly believed my lack of financial funds was a major escape route that could have been used at any given point in time to bypass this journey. However, this was the first thing to be eliminated through a timely money gift coming from one individual and an airline ticket soon followed from another. Something somewhere was definitely pushing this one on through, and with the financial reason/excuse removed I was forced to go deeper within my being to uncover the truth.

My initial intention to push through my comfort level and sacrifice for a deeper communion with the spiritual realms had not included actual physical pain. My foot measurements fall within three percent of the population and I painfully tried to break in three pairs of boots before finally making the commitment to get the fourth pair ready to hit the trail in two weeks time. Within a few days my foot had finally had enough and swelled with throbbing pain, which brought my endurance training to a screeching halt and forced me to remain in a reclined position with my foot elevated. This resting period provided plenty of time for me to revisit and seriously reconsider my rising doubts. With the exception of the initial gifts most of the other signs were not looking good. It was becoming very apparent that the well used mantra "Breathe and become one with the pain" would probably be coming along with me for the actual climb. Although, my foot was offering another very valid escape route, which could have been used as a reason/excuse to not follow through. However, within my being there was also a strong desire to meet the challenges in my life. So needless to say, the endurance requirements and my inexperience in the wilderness were issues that I struggled with right up to the very end. I arrived in California a few days early and stayed with a couple of friends. A few days before my arrival the swelling in my foot subsided but it was still tender so the little window of play time time that had been reserved for my friends was used for additional rest. Dreamtime reflected many things but what could not be missed was the death of my old ways, as the east was about to come face to face with the transformational healing powers of the west. The day I was scheduled to join with tomás I awoke with very strong feelings to cancel and cried quietly in my bed. I had not come this far to turn back; and yet, I wasn't sure I had the endurance to make it up the mountain or what would happen once I did? "Turn it over and let spirit handle the details," flashed again through my thoughts.

Our group met and drove 9000 feet up into the High Sierra. From here it would take two days to reach Sweet Medicine Valley. The first day's climb was fairly easy and was not at all what I had expected. It wasn't as big or bad as my mind had imagined. Ten of us moved very slowly up the mountain and the beauty was incredible. The people praying for me at home must have been working because my foot still hurt but it wasn't as tender. The second day was a bit more challenging and my foot seemed to know what lay ahead. The throbbing pain served in helping me to remain focused on each step until we approached an area known as the 'Lower Coxcomb'. There was an indescribable feeling that welled up within as my eyes scanned the deadly rugged terrain that lay ahead. I was able to leave a few things out of my pack but it was still weighing almost half my body weight and was throwing my balance off. I listened closely to those that were discussing my fate and silently hoped for another way up but there wasn't going to be an optional route. I took a deep breath and prepared to push through some major fear.

We were all supposed to be responsible for the person behind us but I was having a hard time keeping my head together and wasn't able to focus on anything other than what lay directly in front of me. The cracks within my mind were really up. I heard the words "Breathe and ask the stone people for help," which sounded very good until some other words sounded off in my mind and reminded me "If you make one wrong move you could wind up dead or worse crippled for life!" Almost half way to the top and right on the edge of panic, my pack shifted and caused me to lose my balance as we were walking a tight rope through a narrow maze of boulders. I was down on all fours and standing up without losing my balance became a major issue for me. My thoughts were spinning; I was on the verge of tears and wanted to tell the group to go on without me but the question as to how I would get back down quickly flashed through my mind. The next stream of consciousness crashed through my dismembered thoughts with a very firm command, "You best get yourself back up and keep on moving because they aren't going to leave you and they have no intentions of going back down!" I held back the tears and was silently questioning why I had put myself in this life or death situation. "Breathe into your fear and ask the stone people for help" interrupted these thoughts. Much like an inchworm, I very slowly willed myself back up into a standing position. My breathing patterns were very erratic but I was mentally screaming: "Help me, please help me!" as I climbed and crawled my way to the top.

Standing at the top of the Coxcomb and looking back down over the grounds I had covered truly amazed me. Getting to the top had been challenging enough but the thought of having to descend this death trap raised even greater feelings of anxiety for me. A small voice within quickly said, "Deal with this when the time comes." By mid afternoon we reached what would be our base camp and spent the rest of the afternoon settling in. Up until this point the reality of camping had not taken hold. I wasn't sure I liked having to go off in search of a place to dig a latrine hole, burn my toilet paper and bury whatever was there. I also wasn't sure I liked having to cart my dishes to a stream, not to mention bathing in this icy coldness myself. The first several nights were very uncomfortable on Mother Earth. I developed more of an affinity with the princess from the fairy tale "The Princess and the Pea" tossing and turning all night. I didn't realize the valve on my self-inflating sleeping pad needed to be open.
There were many things about camping that I wasn't sure I liked but one thing that awed me was the beauty. This was my very first experience in an environment that was so pure, so untouched by humans and this magic was truly awesome. One could breathe, one could just be. It was cold and very hard to get myself out of my warm sleeping bag to greet Father Sun, but to see his light rise over the darkened mountain and shine down on us was so very beautiful! I gave thanks and welcomed his warmth.

The third day we climbed around the mountain in search of our individual questing sites. Being a Stone Keeper, I could not deny the faces that leapt out at me or the incredible energy that I felt when I walked into an area sandwiched between walls of these Ancient Ones. Besides, this site would be very close to the base camp; I didn't even have to take my tent down and could actually walk it over to where I would be questing, which suited me just fine. The following morning tomás led each individual through a special ceremony. One by one we left the base camp to begin the "second phase" of this journey, which was to spend time alone in the wilderness fasting and praying. Once my nest was set up and after my opening ceremony I sat back and began to ponder what a vision quest was. I thought about my initial reasons for coming to the High Sierra. I had heard a few stories but didn't know exactly what I was supposed to do or what to expect, I said some more prayers and waited for whatever was next. Within a very short time an emotional release came out of nowhere. I curled up in a fetal position on my stone person and cried out to the faces in the wall. I don't know how long this process lasted but remembered thinking my quest had already reached its peak and the rest of my time would be spent relaxing. Boy was I wrong!

The medicine took over and there was no off switch. I went through what felt like a torture chamber within my mind. Imagine a tapestry that represents your life; you see one thread, it comes as a thought and is an aspect of your being that you may or may not be completely aware of. You follow this thought thread as it crisscrosses back through time to the beginning so you can retrace the steps that led to the reality of what is. You go back and forth between thoughts and a dreaming state where you have visions that relate to the thread. You are then brought back to consciousness very abruptly so that you may remember what you have been shown. When this process first began I loved it, but as it continued I was tracking the threads and seeing the pictures but was no longer able to assimilate or draw the parallels as to how each thread connected one with the other. There was so much information coming in that I was on overload. At some point the middle of the night. I angrily yelled out into the darkness "I can't take this anymore!" and threatened to leave the mountain when Father Sun came up if it did not stop. 'They' obviously weren't listening, and I was bombarded with thought threads followed by dream visions the entire night. Needless to say, I missed seeing Father Sun's grand entrance the following morning and did not even know what time it was when consciousness returned. It took much energy to get myself into a standing position and even more energy to remain upright. The word "Breathe" came through my thoughts; I spent a few minutes working on pulling Mother Earth's strength up through my feet to stabilize my shaky body before attempting to attend to another call that required walking to a place away from my nest to dig a latrine hole.

The medicine seemed to ease up a bit but the process wasn't finished. I was just beginning to feel somewhat more stable when "part two" kicked in with some magic, but at that point I was brain dead and was pretty much forced to be a dazed and confused witness knowing that all would be understood in the right time sequence. For most of the day my body sat propped up against the stone people wall where my mind moved in and out of consciousness with my eyes being the only part of my body that actually moved. At one point, an army of ants crossed over and under my legs, nine were carrying something too small for me to decipher. It took them quite awhile to get whatever they were carrying over a crease in my pants. I could almost hear one say: "No, right move back, left move forward" as they zigzagged across my legs. They were amazing to watch. These little beings had such determination and solidarity in their efforts. I thought, "If only we humans could be more like this." At another point, two little furry marmots ran right by my feet. These little guys hung around for quite some time; I wondered if they were aware of my presence and deliberately let out a sigh to see if they were. Nope, they weren't! One marmot spun its head quickly around making direct eye contact and looked quite shocked. This reaction caused me to giggle; there was a slight delay before they both sped off to the top of a stone person to study me from a distance. Watching them watching me was very amusing. it was almost as if they were trying to figure out what this talking, giggling thing was and how they had missed me. Towards late afternoon, I was gazing out into the distance and saw what I thought was a hawk but later learned was an eagle soaring high above me. For a moment I felt myself join with this spirit and circle high through the air. I remembered thinking: "How lucky the winged ones are to be able to fly, to not be locked into one environment but to be free to go wherever they want." Another thought quickly reminded me, "This planet is just one huge playpen that all are trapped within - while in physical form none are truly free and each just has a different playpen is all." My final thoughts before drifting back into unconsciousness were, "I would gladly walk away from everything in my life to live in this playpen." Father Sun was setting when my eyes opened again. I sat waiting for the star nation as the sky became black but didn't remain with them for very long. It was cold; I was fighting to keep my eyes open and finally surrendered to sleep. I was only awakened twice during the next questing night.

The sixth morning ushered in the "final phase" (the return). After packing, I looked around at the stone people that had supported my process, gave thanks, and said good-bye. My parting words "I'll see you next year" surprised me. I asked myself "Where did those words come from?" I looked closely at a few stone people and wondered if they had spoken through me? I did not remember having any thoughts about going through this experience again, nor did i believe I wanted to, but did give some thought to this after the words had been spoken. I was one of the firsts to return to base camp and my stomach was ready for some food. Once everyone had returned we spent most of the day feasting on packaged food that tasted like a gourmet meal, resting and exploring the mountain. Our closing ceremony with Grandfather Fire was held that night. Through sharing, tears and laughter a very strong bond deepened within our circle. Unfortunately, my sharing was very limited, due to not fully understanding all that had been received. I wouldn't come to understand much of what took place until months after my return home. After our morning ceremony and breakfast on the seventh day we packed our gear and prepared to go back to the non-reality in which most of us live. Leaving wasn't easy for me; I was just beginning to settle into this camping thing and could have easily stayed for another week, a month, or even the rest of my life.

"Thank you Great Spirit for allowing me to bypass that Lower Coxcomb!" We took another route and didn't descend the way we had come. As we slowly made our way down I kept looking back to the mountain, filling my eyes, my very being with the powerful strength that came from the Ones who stood so tall and proud in the distance. My mind was filled with thoughts that drifted back and forth between my quest and my return home. I wasn't sure I wanted or would be able to go back and live in a world that seemed so unreal, especially when I had been given a taste of what is real. "Now you take the medicine back to your community" filtered through, but I didn't know what I was bringing back or how it would serve the community. Suddenly a feeling interrupted my thoughts; I had not seen another human outside of our group and felt the energy of others as we walked. Within a few minutes I saw them, "the others." Their energy felt tense even though they were a good distance up the mountain and by all outward appearances, they looked very relaxed. I thought: "Wow I guess we were more removed from civilization than I had realized" and then wondered "Was this feeling similar to how animals sense and was our tension the reason why they avoided us?" I prayed the calmness I felt would stay with me long after my return home. We reached the bottom of the mountain and came together in a circle to give our final thanks. I spent a few minutes pulling in the last bit of energy and mentally called out to my stone people before crossing over a line where non-reality hit me like a ton of bricks.

The next afternoon I went to the airport to board a flight back east. My return brought many aspects to light; I did not realize just how unprepared I was to step back into the dynamics of life as I had known it. I was much like an unprotected newborn infant and was very vulnerable and open to feeling/sensing everything that was going on around me, which did not feel good. Several hours after my arrival home I entered the bathroom to find a spirit message waiting for me there. I have lived at Frog Hollow for over ten years and have never encountered a living black snake in my toilet before! Upon seeing this spirit message the words: "Now the work really begins" filtered through. No doubt the work was beginning because I had to figure out how to remove the snake from my toilet before it could be used! Not to mention, I had some fear around snakes and there was nothing like coming into the bathroom half asleep and taking a seat only to have to word 'snake' flash through your thoughts. This always had me jumping up to check the bowl, and this aspect alone took me approximately 2 weeks to work through! The snake adventure aside, my return to the fast pace chaos that most of us live was not at all easy for me. I became more of a hermit than usual and journeyed deep within myself. Two months later I came out of my well and to this day the gifts from this quest are still being received.

Thank you Great Spirit for all that you are giving to me!

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